Wedding ceremonies are one of those things that you wait your whole life to do and then when you do it, it’s completely different than you always thought it would be. In my mind, the wedding ceremony that I would one day be a part of was a deeply religious experience with lots of music and candles and all of that. I imagined needing to have a little handkerchief to dry my eyes as my groom lovingly recited all of those words that you hear in the movies…
Yeah, it’s not like that…or at least ours wasn’t.
First off, I’ve already mentioned how bizarre walking down the aisle was. I started to feel better when I got to Kyle, but I think I came down from my ecstatic, euphoric high too fast, because I suddenly had to struggle with not passing out. Rev. Knox was saying something and I just kept opening and closing my eyes, trying to get the room to hold still. Kyle kept squeezing my hand, but I couldn’t tell if he was excited or happy or just trying to tell me that I needed to pull it together and stop blinking at our officiant.
As our ceremony progressed at lightning speed and we turned to face our parents to thank them for everything, I was feeling a little bit better, but still pretty off. I think it started to be something of a stage production at that point. I could see everyone watching us and I could hear Reverend Knox in the background, but in my head I was just thinking, “…ok, turn…stand…look left…look right…smile…turn…smile…turn…step…step…turn…” Kyle said the same thing later, that he felt like he was playing the part of the groom in a high school drama production and at any moment the crowd was going to burst into applause so that we could take our curtain call.
It was easier to be in the moment when we were finally able to face each other and hold hands. I have to admit, I wasn’t really listening to anything that Rev. Knox was saying, but I was at least thinking more about Kyle than I was about not passing out. Neither of us cried, or even got misty eyed during the vows. We just said them very matter-of-factly in these voices that sounded totally alien to me at the time, but which apparently sounded like us to everyone else. My ring got stuck on the middle of finger and I put his ring on his finger before I was supposed to, but it’s funny how all of that stuff doesn’t actually matter when you’re going through the motions.
I don’t know. I wish I could give you a more interesting account of what I was feeling during the ceremony, but it was a weird combination of vacant and overfilled. I jumped around between feeling like I was having an out of body experience and feeling like Kyle and I were the only people in the room and everyone else was holographic. I think the easiest way to sum up what I was feeling is to take a moment out of the ceremony, in which I believe Rev. Knox was offering a prayer. Kyle and I were looking at each other and I had the clearest thought…so clear that for a second I thought that I had spoken the words out loud: I marry you, I marry you, I marry you.