You know, I believe there are definitely things that you shouldn’t talk about in polite conversation. In fact, unless you are insulated by many, many cocktails and surrounded by very close friends, you shouldn’t talk about them in any conversation. For me, that list includes unpleasant bodily functions, secret racist/homophobic/classist/misogynistic thoughts, and graphic details of your sex life. One of my least favorite things in the world is the phrase, “I really shouldn’t be telling you this..,” because whatever comes next is usually in those three categories listed above.
But there are other things that don’t get talked about. For people my age, this usually includes marital problems or professional frustrations. For example, I have friends who are having a hard time in their marriage or who aren’t getting the job or promotion they feel they deserve…but we don’t talk about that stuff. It’s always there underneath the surface, but I certainly don’t feel right bringing it up. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to be bringing it up so the person has an outlet to talk about, but then I think it might be pretentious for me to assume they want to share those things with me or anyone else, for that matter.
The funny thing is, I don’t usually have that kind of stuff. Sure, I have things that are personal, but I’m one of those open book people who doesn’t keep a whole lot under lock. Part of that is luck – I haven’t had that many things in my life that were too painful or embarrassing to share. Sure, I have my moments of uncertainty and insecurity and disappointment, but I’ve always found that sharing them takes the edge off for me. That’s why I adore my friends so much. Those listening ears make everything better.
But there’s been this thing. And it’s just been here with me and Kyle, lurking in the background. We haven’t talked to many people about it and we haven’t even talked about it with each other more often than we had to. We finally had one of those things…those rotten things that go on in your life that you don’t want to talk about or acknowledge or share. This is a new thing for us and it’s been…well, just plain rotten.
Unfortunately, this thing also doesn’t seem to be taking care of itself and going away, so I’m starting to realize that we’re going to have to acknowledge it at some point. It is my hope that this thing, like so many other things, will be easier for us to wrap our brains around if we start bringing it out in the open and letting it just be there. So, to let it be there, I’m going to bring it here, on this most public of forums. Today, I’m just that brave.
Long story short: We want a baby and have been trying. It’s not going well.
You didn’t see it, but there was a long pause after I typed that last sentence. What else should I say? I don’t want to drag out the whole story, but I also don’t want to cheat and leave it there. What kind of details am I supposed to bring up? Is it ok that I’m talking about this? Is this a personal story that we’re supposed to keep in house? Will it make any difference that I’m writing this out at all?
Since we got married, we’ve had four miscarriages. Each time we confirmed the pregnancy with the doctor, we bought little things like books and articles of clothing and each time it went away, I packed those things up and took them downstairs. We’ve tucked money away since before we got married so that we had a fund that was just for Baby Morgan. I didn’t look for work when we moved because we figured I’d just have to go on maternity leave anyway, but now, under doctor instructions to stop trying, it looks like we’ll need a new plan. The thought of working and using the baby fund to buy a new car isn’t a tragedy, per se, but it’s sort of aching in a very strange way…like disappointment in very slow motion.
We haven’t given up hope by any stretch of the imagination, since we’re both so young, but every now and then I feel like we just look at each other with total surprise…I don’t know when this will become our normal. I have absolutely no idea how to fit this chapter into our story.
We don’t know how to talk about this with other people. We don’t know how to talk about it to each other. And, I suppose we don’t even know if we’re supposed to talk about it. Nobody else is talking about it, which means lots of people are just going on like they didn’t just hit a major speedbump. Is that what we should be doing? I don’t know. It’s not the worst idea, really. Just keep swimming…