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Being Carly

The Things I Don’t Blog About – Part Two

You know, I believe there are definitely things that you shouldn’t talk about in polite conversation. In fact, unless you are insulated by many, many cocktails and surrounded by very close friends, you shouldn’t talk about them in any conversation. For me, that list includes unpleasant bodily functions, secret racist/homophobic/classist/misogynistic thoughts, and graphic details of your sex life. One of my least favorite things in the world is the phrase, “I really shouldn’t be telling you this..,” because whatever comes next is usually in those three categories listed above.

But there are other things that don’t get talked about. For people my age, this usually includes marital problems or professional frustrations. For example, I have friends who are having a hard time in their marriage or who aren’t getting the job or promotion they feel they deserve…but we don’t talk about that stuff. It’s always there underneath the surface, but I certainly don’t feel right bringing it up. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to be bringing it up so the person has an outlet to talk about, but then I think it might be pretentious for me to assume they want to share those things with me or anyone else, for that matter.

The funny thing is, I don’t usually have that kind of stuff. Sure, I have things that are personal, but I’m one of those open book people who doesn’t keep a whole lot under lock. Part of that is luck – I haven’t had that many things in my life that were too painful or embarrassing to share. Sure, I have my moments of uncertainty and insecurity and disappointment, but I’ve always found that sharing them takes the edge off for me. That’s why I adore my friends so much. Those listening ears make everything better.

But there’s been this thing. And it’s just been here with me and Kyle, lurking in the background. We haven’t talked to many people about it and we haven’t even talked about it with each other more often than we had to. We finally had one of those things…those rotten things that go on in your life that you don’t want to talk about or acknowledge or share. This is a new thing for us and it’s been…well, just plain rotten.

Unfortunately, this thing also doesn’t seem to be taking care of itself and going away, so I’m starting to realize that we’re going to have to acknowledge it at some point. It is my hope that this thing, like so many other things, will be easier for us to wrap our brains around if we start bringing it out in the open and letting it just be there. So, to let it be there, I’m going to bring it here, on this most public of forums. Today, I’m just that brave.

Long story short: We want a baby and have been trying. It’s not going well.

You didn’t see it, but there was a long pause after I typed that last sentence. What else should I say? I don’t want to drag out the whole story, but I also don’t want to cheat and leave it there. What kind of details am I supposed to bring up? Is it ok that I’m talking about this? Is this a personal story that we’re supposed to keep in house? Will it make any difference that I’m writing this out at all?

Since we got married, we’ve had four miscarriages. Each time we confirmed the pregnancy with the doctor, we bought little things like books and articles of clothing and each time it went away, I packed those things up and took them downstairs. We’ve tucked money away since before we got married so that we had a fund that was just for Baby Morgan. I didn’t look for work when we moved because we figured I’d just have to go on maternity leave anyway, but now, under doctor instructions to stop trying, it looks like we’ll need a new plan. The thought of working and using the baby fund to buy a new car isn’t a tragedy, per se, but it’s sort of aching in a very strange way…like disappointment in very slow motion.

We haven’t given up hope by any stretch of the imagination, since we’re both so young, but every now and then I feel like we just look at each other with total surprise…I don’t know when this will become our normal. I have absolutely no idea how to fit this chapter into our story.

We don’t know how to talk about this with other people. We don’t know how to talk about it to each other. And, I suppose we don’t even know if we’re supposed to talk about it. Nobody else is talking about it, which means lots of people are just going on like they didn’t just hit a major speedbump. Is that what we should be doing? I don’t know. It’s not the worst idea, really. Just keep swimming…

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14 Comments

  • Reply Anonymous

    Oh, I'm so sorry. That's really hard. I will never understand how hard this must be for you and Kyle. Hopefully you will be able to have a family soon. Instead of using your money to buy a car, you could start an adoption fund. But just remember, that you can always get a second opinion. You may have an amazing doctor, that you really love, but it still doesn't hurt to try someone else. There is a good clinic that I have heard great things about in Ogden. Ask Becah. I'll keep you in my prayers.

    March 24, 2010 at 8:53 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    Thank you for being so brave and writing about this. I have no words of advice, just wanted to let you know at least one reader is 'virtually' supporting you :o)
    Stay strong.

    March 24, 2010 at 9:20 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    thanks for writing about what must be a really difficult subject. I just found out the other day that the woman I consider to be one of my best friends, who's daughter I'm nanny part time, had a miscarriage before I met her and that's why she was taking so many dance classes at the gym (where I met her), to get her mind off it. I was trying to loose weight because I was just engaged and she was trying to get out of her own head. Anyway, when she told me about all the emotional whirlpools she felt she got stuck in after the miscarriage, her loss felt real for me. It was weird, before I knew someone who was willing to say something to me personally, I thought that it was just something that happened to other people. I think the more we talk about it as a society, the less it's "other people's worry" and more something that every woman should think about how they will handle. Sorry, this is written late at night for me and is all rambley; I hope it's not offensive in anyway, just only maybe tangentially related…..

    March 24, 2010 at 10:18 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    I'm so sorry to hear this. I've followed your blog for over a year and I feel like I know a little piece of you. My heart is aching for you.

    March 24, 2010 at 11:27 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    I am so sorry to hear how difficult this has been for you. I think this is one of those times when sharing can be a comfort to others going through the same thing… And hopefully a comfort to you.

    No advice or deep thoughts… I just hope it happens for you soon.

    March 25, 2010 at 7:59 am
  • Reply Anonymous

    Carly, I'm glad you're posting about this. It's a hard struggle, to want to bring a life into this world and have them taken from you. I watched the struggle my mother went through – even as a young child, I understood that sometimes things don't go the way we plan. I remember going to the hospital with her because I was FINALLY going to get to hear my new siblings heartbeat… only to be told I needed to wait in the hall. Mommy was crying, and finally had to tell me that God needed my little sibling with him.

    There's a lot of babies up there watching out for us. When it's your turn, God will bless you with a little one who will turn your world upside down. Until then, keep trusting and believing. Sometimes it is when we DON'T try that we get what we want most. And know that there are hugs headed your way from Indiana – I just don't know how to get them there any faster!

    March 25, 2010 at 9:26 am
  • Reply Anonymous

    I'm so sorry! I love reading your blog and I hope things turn out okay.

    March 25, 2010 at 10:38 am
  • Reply Anonymous

    Carly, my English writing skills arent good.. so all I have to say its that I send you a huge hug and hope averithing get better..
    don´t desesperate.. you will have a baby when the time its right

    March 25, 2010 at 11:25 am
  • Reply Anonymous

    It was very brave of you to share what you have been dealing with. Thank you for trusting your readers with this. Like others had said before, I have no words of advice (I'm not sure there are any), but only wish to send you a big hug and all my best.

    March 25, 2010 at 12:28 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    Carly, I have been going through similar problems myself…we have been trying for over a year and a half. Its hard, you want to talk about it but also don't want to bother people about something as sad as this. It is also espicially hard when people ask you when you are going to have a baby….u have no answer. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I know we have lost touch over the years, but we do live in the same city. My prayers are with you I cant imagine going throgh 4 miscarraiges.

    March 25, 2010 at 1:29 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    We should definitely have lunch or something, Sarah. It would be so nice to see you again! It's been way too long…

    March 25, 2010 at 1:49 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    I think it's very brave of you to put this out in the open. I didn't realize you had had so many miscarriages and I'm sorry that it hasn't turned out the way you and Kyle planned. Maybe you should keep the baby fund for fertility specialists or surrogates or something that can help you guys along toward your biggest goal.

    I'm not an expert but I always hear that when you stop trying is when magical things happen so hang in there. *hugs*

    March 25, 2010 at 3:31 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    Just let me know when you want to get together! Just facebook me.

    March 29, 2010 at 10:30 am
  • Reply Anonymous

    Carly-

    I've been traveling for a week so missed these series of posts. I'm glad you shared. It's almost overwhelming how many people deal with this issue, and I think being brave and talking about it is GOOD. You NEED to know it's okay to talk about, and that everyone wants to support you.

    You'll be parents. My gut tells me so. And even though we've never met, I have confidence you will be. It might be soon, it might be in a while-it might be natural, through infertility, or through adoption (whichever you two choose)….but you WILL be a mom. Have faith, and thanks for letting us know so we can send good fertility vibes your way:-D.

    April 1, 2010 at 12:06 pm
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